Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Roller Coaster Ride #1,297

Today I find myself doing something that I thought I would never do. That is, post without a photo of something or some event. I find myself on that rollercoaster of emotions that leave you feeling confused. So today, I thought I would write a little of what I might be feeling.

As I sit at the computer, the window in my office is to my left. The blinds are open and the sun is warming my arm. I can hear the kids in the cul-de-sac playing kickball and peek at them every so often. My house is silent, except for the noise of each key being pushed to form a word. I feel such a wave of gratitude. Grateful for the gift of being here on this earth. I can't find the right words to express what I feel. I just can't believe that I get to be here. Even though there are millions of people on the earth, I feel so blessed that He let ME come. I'm grateful for children. Even though they are so sick of me and ready to go back to school, I am so happy to be their mom. And frankly, I need them to go back to school. I hate to cook, I hate to fold laundry, I hate to shop. So, this combination makes it hard to always fulfill my duty as a mother in a somewhat orderly way. I wish I could hire a maid. And yet, in the same breathe, I find myself blessed that I have so much laundry. That means that we have plenty of clothes. The laundry on my couch means that I have a working washer and dryer. Yet, I hate that I won't fold them. The extra weight I need to lose means that we have plenty of food. This rollercoaster gets faster and faster some days!

I'm grateful for Trever. As we walk through the unknown at this time I feel safe with him by my side. I feel happy that he is next to me. In the same breathe, I feel sad that he has to be the leader on a path that hasn't been paved. I want to do it for him and yet I know that it is his to do. At the same moment, I can't believe that this is where we are. I feel guilty for worrying about this since I know of so many that are suffering in ways that I could never imagine.

I'm grateful for friends. I knew from a very young age how important friends would be, but I never could have guessed that they could impact my life to this degree. The strength that is exhibited is beyond my comprehension. I sometimes feel guilty that I draw on that strength and suck it from them.

I don't always know how to sort out all of my emotions and some of them reoccur so often that I can't find a place for them. The one that reoccurs the most that I never try to put away is the one about how happy I am to be on this earth. My human body doesn't always feel such joy, but my spirit is overwhelmed with joy! This feeling I love. I also try to always enjoy the love I feel from my husband, children, family, friends, and my Savior. I know this love is real.

Well, kind of odd for me to post something like this, I just had the thought and decided I would act on it. Thanks for anyone who actually reads it. True friends!